Living abroad far from my family and friends makes me realise one thing.
I am a socially awkward person.
Back in Indonesia i remember that i always stick with my close friends. when we went to another school's event, i barely talk to someone new. I am really bad at keeping relationship with my friends. I always feel uncomfortable whenever I meet new people. It really gives me anxiety and I feel so nervous. I don't know what's appropriate for me to do and what's not in a social situation.
I don't know when to start a conversation & what topics best to talk about.
The result is I often having a different impact than I intended, like when I joke about something and others find the joke inappropriate. Or when I try to give a compliment that turns out to be a bad one and ended up having an awkward silence.
This actually cause me a big impact in life. I don't really have a strong connections with others.
I only have a few close friends and I feel like I don't belong in any social circle. I spend a lot of time alone because i don't feel good enough to accept myself & always avoid crowd.
People used to approach me first. so making a friend is really hard for me to do.
The truth is I don't have much friends in college.
I used to study interior design in Darmstadt, a small city near Frankfurt. At the first day of college i was alone (the only asian in this major) and so excited to make a new friends. I start to talk to some people and they were like talking so fast, and I never talked that fast auf Deutsch before (Language is my major problem). I start to shaking and I just shut my mouth and I really want to cry. The result is I cried for a month! It makes me so depressed, i even asked my parents whether i could transfer to Indonesia/Malaysia or not.
I was really scare to talk to someone, and everybody start to having a friend circle and i left alone. This is actually the reason why i move to Berlin, so that I could get at least an Indonesian friends outside the campus.
But it gets better. I learned from my mistakes, and now i have a several close friends in campus & we're always together. They are the best, like they accept me and really understand that I can't speak Deutsch properly.
Another thing that bothers me is that I have so many interests that I could share to others. I like to travel, I love to take a photo or go to Kunst Ausstellung. When I meet people that has the same interest, I feel like i could talk to them, but yet I just remain silence because I don't know how to start. Then people start thinking that I am arrogant. What worst is, I have a bitchy resting face.
You have no idea how hard I try to smile. I even learn 'how to smile' doing some tutorial on youtube. *sigh*
To my friends and all of the people that ever talks to me, I just want to apologize if you sometimes you find my words improper or maybe my face unfriendly. Now you know why.
Please help me to gets better, i am actually fun to talk to. Hehehe.
& many thanks to all of you that always support me xoxo
This blog and other social media accounts that I have is actually a tool for me to gain up my confident. Some may say that is annoying, that i try to show off, or anything but to be honest i just want to feel accepted.
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Seringkali aku melihat penyesalan di balik waktu.
Apa yang harusnya bisa terlaksana menjadi wacana karena segala rasa takut.
Kekurangan itu hidup di dalam otak. Menghambat semua kesempatan.
Terlalu banyak yang disuka, sampai bingung memilih.
Sejujurnya sampai sekarang pun semua masih buram.
Selalu ada pertanyaan. Aku ingin apa?
Karena sejujurnya aku hanya ingin diterima atas segala kurangku.