Living abroad far from my family and friends makes me realise one thing.
I am a socially awkward person.
Back in Indonesia i remember that i always stick with my close friends. when we went to another school's event, i barely talk to someone new. I am really bad at keeping relationship with my friends. I always feel uncomfortable whenever I meet new people. It really gives me anxiety and I feel so nervous. I don't know what's appropriate for me to do and what's not in a social situation.
I don't know when to start a conversation & what topics best to talk about.
The result is I often having a different impact than I intended, like when I joke about something and others find the joke inappropriate. Or when I try to give a compliment that turns out to be a bad one and ended up having an awkward silence.
This actually cause me a big impact in life. I don't really have a strong connections with others.
I only have a few close friends and I feel like I don't belong in any social circle. I spend a lot of time alone because i don't feel good enough to accept myself & always avoid crowd.
People used to approach me first. so making a friend is really hard for me to do.
The truth is I don't have much friends in college.
I used to study interior design in Darmstadt, a small city near Frankfurt. At the first day of college i was alone (the only asian in this major) and so excited to make a new friends. I start to talk to some people and they were like talking so fast, and I never talked that fast
auf Deutsch before (Language is my major problem). I start to shaking and I just shut my mouth and I really want to cry. The result is I cried for a month! It makes me so depressed, i even asked my parents whether i could transfer to Indonesia/Malaysia or not.
I was really scare to talk to someone, and everybody start to having a friend circle and i left alone. This is actually the reason why i move to Berlin, so that I could get at least an Indonesian friends outside the campus.
But it gets better. I learned from my mistakes, and now i have a several close friends in campus & we're always together. They are the best, like they accept me and really understand that I can't speak
Deutsch properly.
Another thing that bothers me is that I have so many interests that I could share to others. I like to travel, I love to take a photo or go to
Kunst Ausstellung. When I meet people that has the same interest, I feel like i could talk to them, but yet I just remain silence because I don't know how to start. Then people start thinking that I am arrogant. What worst is, I have a bitchy resting face.
You have no idea how hard I try to smile. I even learn 'how to smile' doing some tutorial on youtube. *sigh*
To my friends and all of the people that ever talks to me, I just want to apologize if you sometimes you find my words improper or maybe my face unfriendly. Now you know why.
Please help me to gets better, i am actually fun to talk to. Hehehe.
& many thanks to all of you that always support me xoxo
This blog and other social media accounts that I have is actually a tool for me to gain up my confident. Some may say that is annoying, that i try to show off, or anything but to be honest i just want to feel accepted.